CLEAN Jokes

[dschwandt]

Here's one for all the Turbo fans out there....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyRllRWfLJE

 

[mhomrighausen]

David S. here is one for guy that enjoy Technical Specifications.... Click Here Best is at 2:05 minutes.

 

[aschumacher]

The only thing I really picked up on was a reference to women and 'turbo encabulators'! ?

 

[mhomrighausen]

Allen S. Aw c'mon now.... Don't you want to add a turbo encabulator to your snow ski or whatever that critter is called. That video is actually right next to the one that David posted. Just shows how interesting a Technical video can be.

 

[aschumacher]

Here is a woman that seems to need to be Turbo Encabulated !

I'm sure my petrol cap was on this side: http://youtu.be/vupgBykQnko

 

[dtanner]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet $20 he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money.

I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied,.......................................

“I did, too, But I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

 

[mhomrighausen]

Gotta Love This Police Officer...

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a**hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

The Lawyer questions, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"And what does the "AH" stand for, Officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a**hole?"

”Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”



How often can you get an attorney to convict his own client!!

 

[mhomrighausen]

For some years, I've asked people when they tell me to, "Have a great day." , do they mean Bunny rabbit or Bear type of great day? It is then that I have to tell them the story behind my inquiry.

One beautiful spring day a bear and bunny rabbit were enjoying a monrning walk down the forrest path. It had rained the day before and the sun now was shining and everything seemed so fresh and pure.

While walking and talking the bear suddenly stopped and told the bunny rabbit tha he had to excuse himself for a few moments and step off the beaten path to relieve himself. The bunny rabbit said that was quite okay and that he also would take a few moments to go off the forrest path.

After a few minutes the bunny returned to the path and patiently awaited his friend, the bear's return. When the bear finally showed up he asked the bunny rabbit if he could asked him a very personal question and not be offended by it and that the bunny rabbit would assure him that they would remain friends after the bear asked the question. "Of course, brother bear." replied the bunny, "We've been friends for many years. We'll always be friends. So ask away."

"Tell me bunny rabbit. Do you ever have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?", asked the bear.

The bunny thought for a amoment and replied, Why no brother bear. I can't say that I have." After hearing that the bear quiclky grabbed the bunny rabbit and said, "GREAT!!!

So I'm wishing everyone a beary great day.

 

[dtanner]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC !

 

[mhomrighausen]

FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE IMPORTANT

Upon seeing the traffic light turn yellow a gentleman very quickly pulls his car to a stop. A young woman right behind him applied her brakes and immediately upon stopping her car, rolled down her window and began shouting very obsene words, using extremely improper hand getures, and contiunally honking her horn at the man parked in front of her.

Suddently she was startled when she her a loud knock on the top of her car. She looked to her left to see a police officer holding his gun pointed at her. He politely yet firmly asked her to exit the car and put her hands behind her back. Upon handcuffing her, the officer asked her to remain calm and that he was taking her to his car to run a background check on her.

When the background check check came back clear the officer was quick to tell the woman that he would remove her handcuffs, that she was free to go and the he was sorry to incovenience her.

By now the very shaken young woman had regained enough of her senses to demand an explanation from the police officer for his actions. The officer quietly and calmly replied to the woman.

"Ma'am. I was right behind you when I witnessed the whole scenario of the gentleman in front of you coming to a stop at first sight of the yellow light. He did nothing wrong and was simply obeying the law and trying to not cause any accidents. I also watched you immediately begin to go into a beligerent tyrade, with much foul language, imappropriate hand gestures, and continualy honking your car horn. It was then that I also noticed all those bumper stickers upon your car's bumper and trunk lid. Those stickers read such things as, Jesus Died For You, God forigives your sins, Heaven is the only Home, etc. Well ma'am, after seeing your immediate reactions and reading those signs.... At first I thought that you had stolen the car."

 

[digger]

Ole, Sven, and Lars are in Mexico for a vacation. They get falling down drunk and wake up in jail and find out they all have been sentenced to die in the electric chair.

Sven is the first to be strapped in the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Sven says, "I yust gradeated from St. Yohn's College in Minnesooota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a good Christian man ... but if it is God's will for me to die, so be it."

The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards get on their knees and say, "You are surely a Godly man and we are going to let you go." Lars is next to be strapped into the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Lars says, "I yust graduated from Concordia college in Moorhead, Minnisooota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a God fearing man. If it is my time to die, it is God's will."

The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards say, "You also are a Godly man and we are going to let you go." Ole is the last to be strapped into the electric chair. The guards ask him if he has any last words. Ole says, "Vel, I yust gradueted from Iowa State in electrical engineering ... and I'll tell ya right now, if you don't plug dat ting in, it ain't gonna work."

 

[kmcconaughey]

Ole, Ole, Ole...

 

[dtanner]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

[tsteinman]

2 men walking their dogs, a German Sheppard and a Chihuahua. 1st guy: "I'll bet you I can get a free drink at the Bar up ahead and you can't." 1st guy walks in and Bartender sez, "Hey Pal,I can't serve you with that dog in here". "But he's my Seeing Eye Dog". Bartender sez, 'Jeeze, I'm sorry...let me buy you the first drink." 2nd guy sits at the Bar and Bartender sez,"Sorry Pal, I can't serve you with that dog in here". "But he's my Seeing Eye Dog". Bartender sez,"Yeah, right... a Seeing Eye Chihuahua". 2nd guy sez, "They gave me a CHIHUAHUA??!

 

[dwales]

I saw a man walking a dog that had a long thick body on tiny legs with big jowls, pointy ears and squinty eyes. Intrigued I asked the owner what breed it was.

"Oh, his mother is a Great Dane and his father is a Chihuahua."

He looked at the dog again and added.

"I know what you're thinking, he stood on a chair."

 

[dtanner]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

[danderson]

I got beat up by a busty woman in an elevator today. I was staring at her b**bs and she said " Could you please press 1?" I don't remember much after that.

 

[dlouw]

Here's a little something to brighten your day
Do you remember ‘THE JUGGLER'?
It’s worth another watch – even if you've seen it before.
They just don't make them like they used to. Only those of us over 50 would probably recognise the people in the front row (Speaker of the House, President and Senate Majority Leader).
I don’t think this would be possible in today’s Washington !
NOTE: You don’t have to be over 50 to enjoy it!

(Note the secret service behind the President trying not to laugh)

https://www.youtube.com/embed/n6mbW-jMtrY?rel=0

 

[digger]

OMG!
That was GREAT!!!!!!!!

 

[dlbarnett]

I read the other day that having sex burns as many calories as running eight miles. I did know a person could run eight miles in forty five seconds