CLEAN Jokes

[dschwandt]

Touché!



This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to Alco test (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested.

The Englishman answers With humour: No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver... on the other side?

 

[aschumacher]

YA, I know, this is kind of lame, but....


Another interesting report from Harvard University.....


CROW KILLS



Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.


However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.


MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.


The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!!", not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[fcurrier]

Canadian Police Chase
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1578042883777

 

[jbaker]

Frank,,

 

[glippert]

Frank - I've seen that before, but it just gets funnier each time I see it. My wife works with the wife of our County Sheriff, and she sent it to him - told him it looks like his department. He passed it on to all his law enforcement buddies, too. It's good when people can laugh at themselves. Thanks for posting that again.

 

[mhomrighausen]

If I recall this was sent to me this morning only I cant find the original sender to thank them...

CANADIAN POLICE CHASE intenesely hilarious...

Fancy says that maybe they should have used some Kitty liltter....

 

[dschwandt]

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
Are you okay, what's your name?"


"Its Jack and I’m Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while
and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think
my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons,
I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife
is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said . . .

 

[dtanner]

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

 

[dschwandt]

A little cold weather humor

 

[kide]

For Charlie:


A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for"Up North Bear Removers."

He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour. The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog"..............

 

[jharvey]

Crap, I just spilled coffee all over the keyboard! Good one Gerry!

 

[mhomrighausen]

Tidy Up

 

[mhomrighausen]

Tractor Oopsies and there is even a Cub Cadet in it.

 

[aschumacher]

Marlin, great stuff...thanks. <font size="-2">And I thought the drivers here in N.J. were nuts... !</font>

 

[mhomrighausen]

Allen S. I wonder if the guy on the W Series early in the series lived to tell about the rollover? And I love the woman at the end and how she parks her tractor.

 

[fcurrier]

Can't wait for them to start coming out of hibernation again.

 

[mhomrighausen]

God Said, "Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me."

Adam
Said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?"

God
Said, "Go down
Into that
Valley."





Adam said, "What's
A valley?"

God explained it to him.





Then God said,
"Cross the
River."

Adam said, "What's a
River?"

God explained that
To him, and then said,
"Go over to the
Hill....."

Adam said,





"What is a
Hill?"

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
The
Other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave."


Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He
Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."


Adam said, "What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
To
Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do
That?"

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
Well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
The valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
Into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
About five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is
It
Now?"

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*


*

*

*

"What's a
Headache?"

 

[dschwandt]

CARING WORDS FROM A PILOT

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next
to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance
to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude,
the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent
on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

 

[mhomrighausen]

 

[dschwandt]

Complete VS: Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
difference between these two words.


In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended
by supposedly the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man,
was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5
minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people
say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his
astute answer.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the
wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with
the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old Scotch.