glippert
Well-known member
Thanks, Dawid - it really did brighten my day - that was really funny!
-
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CLEAN Jokes
- Thread starter aschumacher
- Start date
Help Support IH Cub Cadet Forum:
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!!
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
He said " You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..
"Well, I'm in the bar next to that."
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
He said " You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..
"Well, I'm in the bar next to that."
Mystery solved!!
Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:
Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married,
begin thequest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?
Finally, the riddle is solved !
A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When the bride,
accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the
altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the
conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar,
and hymn.
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:
Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn.
Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:
Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married,
begin thequest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?
Finally, the riddle is solved !
A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When the bride,
accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the
altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the
conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar,
and hymn.
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:
Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn.
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2006
- Messages
- 2,912
- displayname
- Allen Schumacher
David!!!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be
here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened
to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said,
'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting
you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat
!.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and
when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
to be held in the hand for long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be
here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened
to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said,
'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting
you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat
!.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and
when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
to be held in the hand for long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
stanner
Well-known member
- Joined
- Oct 2, 2002
- Messages
- 1,349
- displayname
- Scott Tanner... Can't even see the Cub in this mess..
A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and health insurance paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A+. After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A+. After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.
"No I did not," the doctor said.
"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.
"No I did not," the doctor said.
"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
OLE AND SVEN
Uff - - - - - - - - Da
One day two Minnesotans, Ole and Sven, found themselves adrift in a lifeboat on Lake Superior.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Ole stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and suddenly, a genie came forth.
This Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without thinking, or consulting Sven, Ole immediately blurted out, 'turn the entire lake into Schmidt beer'.
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening sound, and immediately Lake Superior turned into Schmidt beer and just as quickly the genie vanished.
Now only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their new
circumstances.
Sven looked disgustedly at Ole whose wish had been granted, and after a long tension-filled moment, Sven said, "Nice going Ole!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.
Yah shewr, yew batcha, by golly.
Uff - - - - - - - - Da
One day two Minnesotans, Ole and Sven, found themselves adrift in a lifeboat on Lake Superior.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Ole stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and suddenly, a genie came forth.
This Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without thinking, or consulting Sven, Ole immediately blurted out, 'turn the entire lake into Schmidt beer'.
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening sound, and immediately Lake Superior turned into Schmidt beer and just as quickly the genie vanished.
Now only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their new
circumstances.
Sven looked disgustedly at Ole whose wish had been granted, and after a long tension-filled moment, Sven said, "Nice going Ole!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.
Yah shewr, yew batcha, by golly.
Rules at the Senior Center
On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?
On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?
Did you hear the one about the farmer's daughter and the traveling salesman? No, and you won't because the daughter left for the city, the farmer retired and thanks to the internet there are no more traveling salesman.
fcurrier
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2004
- Messages
- 3,155
- displayname
- Frank A. Currier(Northern Maine)
I am SO livid right now! I don't need this <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> in my life, and they should be ashamed about how they treated me! I experienced the WORST customer service last night at a store near me, I won't mention the name of the store because I'm not in the habit of publicly trashing people or businesses. (No matter how well deserved!) A day or so ago I bought something from this store. I paid CASH for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work! So last night less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl at the counter told me NO even though I still had the receipt. I was baffled! So instead I asked if I could get a FREE replacement. Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager as I was really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled, smugly, and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr! I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another scratch ticket from there again ... Win up to 20 times my ass!!
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2006
- Messages
- 2,912
- displayname
- Allen Schumacher
Poor Frank !! The "fine print" is a bitch isn't it ???
I thought this was kinda funny.
https://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/grd/d/hateful-demonic-garden/6599195131.html
https://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/grd/d/hateful-demonic-garden/6599195131.html
dlouw
Well-known member
The posting is no longer available - it has been deleted by its author.
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day, and both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The Angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The Angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The Angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it withoutsaying a word.
The Angel immediately stated: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and got admitted to Heaven! "Could you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are!"
The Angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The Angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The Angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it withoutsaying a word.
The Angel immediately stated: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and got admitted to Heaven! "Could you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are!"
fcurrier
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2004
- Messages
- 3,155
- displayname
- Frank A. Currier(Northern Maine)
THE MISSING NAVY CHIEF!
Five cannibals were employed by the US Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II.
When the Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said,......
"You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said,......
"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said,.....
"Which of you idiots ate the Chief?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied,.....
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, and even one Commander and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief"
Five cannibals were employed by the US Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II.
When the Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said,......
"You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said,......
"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said,.....
"Which of you idiots ate the Chief?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied,.....
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, and even one Commander and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief"
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