CLEAN Jokes

[memorgan]

Dave...You'r killin me !!!!!

That's funny,don;t care who u are

 

[dschwandt]

-

Jenny Craig for Men.....

---- I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of

Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later

huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I
lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is

wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck

that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in

excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next

four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in

better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I

discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to

go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our

most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find

a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running

shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week,

 

[rgreenly]

Dave that was great!! Kinda makes you rethink dieting...LOL

 

[dschwandt]

And that phone # once again is.................................


1-800 fat guys

 

[aschumacher]

THIS IS A REAL TRIP ! TOO BAD I DONT HAVE A PATRROT.

How to Open a Beer... it's a "guy" thing!
https://www.youtube.com/embed/0QmKHfYfovk?rel=0

 

[lbuttke]

Not realy a joke but a good sence of humor.


Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment f or
future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truely recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

 

[rgreenly]

Lonny--That really brought back some memories,maybe not all of it but a lot of it.Falls in the catagory of ..Sad but True..LOL}

 

[kostendorf]

Hurry up spring.....

 

[stanner]

Keith, not to worry..

to keep it somewhat on topic, my Ariens freebie blew out the gearbox, wish I had gotten the cub finished.... grrrr

 

[mhomrighausen]

I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:


Internal Revenue 'Service'
US Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Federal, State, City, & public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us

 

[fcurrier]

I heard how to escape a nasty divorce:
Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

 

[dschwandt]

Sven, a furniture dealer from Wisconsin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Sven could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.


He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe was about to close and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed..........





To this day, Sven has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

[dtanner]

 

[dtanner]

35 Of The Most Hilarious Pet Confessions

http://blazepress.com/2014/03/35-hilarious-pet-confessions/

Just so funny !

 

[kshultz]

Saw this on craigslist this AM.

Selling the old workhorse cub cadet model 80. It has what I believe to be a 14hp pressure lubricated kawasaki motor that smokes on start up. Starting fluid is the easiest way to get it fired up. The steering jumps teeth in one direction. Im not sure if it needs tightened up or replaced. Good 38" deck, hydrostat, all tires hold air and the rears are 2 years old with no cracks. I'll part it or sell whole. Open to any trades as well. Kick ass seat DOES NOT go with mower

 

[dschwandt]

Geeesh!!! Thank goodness he's NOT including the seat!!! Just think of how many cooties are hiding in them cushions!!!

I dig the high rise fuel tank too!!

 

[kmcconaughey]

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[glippert]

Wow, no jokes since last spring? That moves the bar low enough for this one:


Patient: Doc, I can't stop singing, "The Green Green Grass of Home."

Dr: Hmmm. Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.

Patient: Is that common?

Dr: It's Not Unusual.


(If you're under 55, you may need to Google it!)

 

[dschwandt]

The biggest jokes are still in DC!!

 

[aschumacher]

ITS CHRISTMAS CHARLIE BROWN...

http://www.purpleclover.com/entertainment/3659-charlie-brown-christmas-later-years/item/cb15/