CLEAN Jokes

[kostendorf]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

 

[aschumacher]

...<font size="-2">Maybe more truth in that moral than many agencies would admit to !</font>

 

[aschumacher]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Oh, the simple logic of youth!

 

[cmwkrill]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.


Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies.....

"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

[jchamberlin]

Charles Matthew Wayne Krill: Good one! I think I've heard the joke before, but the fact that you picked up on it tells me that you're one smart young man. I think you're going places: may the salvage yard be merely a stepping stone!

(On the other hand, it isn't a bad place to spend some time, either.)

 

[kshultz]

(I don't think this has been on here yet)

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems.. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.

 

[cmwkrill]

Jeremiah: Thank you! and I agree.. (There are plenty of cubs laying around. XD) Bonus: I get to (eventually) work on getting the cubs running for the owner, so he can sell them to (hopefully good) homes..


THE SCRAP YARD
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

 

[lbuttke]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[jchamberlin]

Lonny, that joke deserves a

 

[aschumacher]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. '

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Don't mess with old people.

 

[stanner]

New fastener standards

 

[aschumacher]

My wife got a garden ornament that was a few sections high. Came with 24 nuts/bolts...5 of them were of the 'pre-stripped for easy overtorquing'' type. Took a center punch to the nuts and 'squeezed' them a bit. Fit fine now !

 

[jchamberlin]

Scott: I got a really good chuckle while reading your official-looking "Standard" drawing. Looks like a mechanical engineer was venting a bit.

 

[kmcconaughey]

Scott, any chance you have a higher resolution version of that? If so please email it to me and I'll post it here. TIA.

 

[jbaker]

Wheres the order form I need several of those bolt styles

 

[stanner]

On it's way...

 

[kmcconaughey]

Scott, thanks.

 

[aschumacher]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

___________________________________________ô

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, Cause
I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,

Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at
all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

__________________________________________

__________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'


___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'

 

[dtanner]

Morning all ! Every now and then I see an add for something for sale that makes me lol. So I have to share http://halifax.kijiji.ca/c-ViewAd?AdId=489514871&utm_source=alerts&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=email_alerts

Just so funny !

 

[wshytle]

Don-

What kind of people do they grow up there in Nova Scotia????????

(I dare you to offer him $500)