Archive through April 16, 2010

[fcurrier]

They walked the lane in silence
The night was filled with stars
They reached the gate together
He lifted down the bars
She neither smiled nor thanked him
Because she knew not how
For he was just a farm boy
And she, a Jersey Cow

 

[glippert]

Frank - Your poetry brings a tear to my eye!

(Although ours were Holstein Cows!)

 

[dtanner]

An old nun

who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers

and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch,

sit with the workers

and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag

and

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:

"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down



'why'?

The worker yelled back,
"Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

 

[dtanner]

A Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a
statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped…

Just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would
you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig
leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

 

[fcurrier]

 

[dtanner]

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.......








.


Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA;
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Newfie passenger yelled, 'bye jezis' you should see the back of mine! '

 

[dtanner]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH



A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more. 'You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'


I bet that you're gonna read this again !

 

[nhasson]

A guy at work just told me this, so dumb but funny.......A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender told him to leave, we don't serve your kind. The mushroom says to the bartender, what's the matter, I'm a fungi.

Like I said.

 

[kweaver]

 

[aaytay]

I figured Ken would like this one....

A Trip to Costco
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a** and a car hit both of us.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[kweaver]

Art - I'll have to drag out a real oldie but goody ...
Real old one !


A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a real nice looking woman. He turned to her and as he was starting to say something to her she turned and held up her hand to cut him off before he could say anything.
She told him that she was just there to have a drink and relax and that she didn't want to talk to anyone.
He nodded and sat there quite for a while then said ,"I was just going to tell you that I know how you can make your breast bigger".
They both sat there in silence for a while longer then the woman couldn't stand it anymore and turned to him and asked ,"How".
He said, "You take a piece of toilet paper and fold it up then you rub it up between your breast".
She said ,"How the hell is that going to make my breast bigger ?"
He said, "I don't know but it sure worked on your azz !"

 

[snewman]

Here is one for ya......

Mike was going to be married to Laura, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, I took off my pants handed them to your mother and told her to try them on, she did and said 'they're too big, I can't wear them.' I told her 'exactly..... I wear the pants in the family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

Mike thought it was a good thing to try. On his honeymoon Mike took off his pants and told Laura to try them on, she did and said "these are too large, they don't fit me" Mike told her "exactly I wear the pants in the family don't forget it "So Laura took off her panties and said "here try mine" Mike did and said "I can't get into your panties" Laura said "exactly! and if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

 

[glippert]

I'll bet Mike came around real quick to Laura's way of thinking!

 

[kmcconaughey]

Just got this in an email:

The Zen of Sarcasm:

(1) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

(2) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

(3) Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

(4) Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

(5) Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

(6) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

(8) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

(9) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

(10) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

(11) If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

(12) Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

(13) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

(14) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

(15) A closed mouth gathers no foot.

(16) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

(17) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

(18) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

(19) Never miss a good chance to shut up.

(20) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[proessler]

Yes, Kraig!! I always tell wife (a former 25 year politican) ,you always learn more by listening than by talking...

 

[kweaver]

Boy what a polite way to get her to shut up

I need to tell my fishin buddy that ! He talks all night !!!

 

[stanner]

Truths For Mature People. (You gotta admit it!)

1. I think part of a best friends job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize youre wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didnt want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I cant remember the last time I wasnt at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just arent going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I dont want to have to restart my collectionagain.
13. Im always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. Do not machine wash or tumble dry means I will never wash this ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didnt answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some peoples phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an Avoid Ghetto routing option.
21. Sometimes, Ill watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when Im trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say What? before you just nod and smile because you still didnt hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. Theres no worse feeling than that millisecond youre sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes Ill look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey but Id bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

 

[jott]

Scott, You hit it right on the nail. I have been the "victim" of more of those things than i should be as im sure we al have. lol

 

[stanner]

I relate to #22 and #26

 

[kide]

Scott:
I always put my truck keys in my left pocket but use my right hand to unlock a door...usually with a handful of plastic grocery bags.

Our freezer does have a light, it's right behind that stack of pizza that are blocking it.

I never know who to hate when I'm riding the mountain bike..

I had another smarmy comment, but I've forgotten it already..


Great list!!!!!