Archive through March 09, 2011

[aschumacher]

Don T., the Archive Bug gave you the 'bird'.

 

[fcurrier]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of ******* who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of ******* who are getting on, get your ****** in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

 

[dtanner]

Just got this in an email. Thought some will get a giggle out of it lol.

A photographer will die of old age waiting to get another shot like this one.

When a male can't stand it anymore! Priceless shot!

 

[stanner]

***snork**

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

 

[aaytay]

Osama's last FaceBook post... (BRB = "be right back")

 

[tturner]

Art- Thumbs up... hahahahahahaha

 

[lbuttke]

Over heard in the local pub.
The goverment is thinking of nameing the newest drink the Bin Laden.

It consists of 2 shots and a splash of salt water.

 

[aschumacher]

Ohhhhhhh....

..

 

[aschumacher]

OK, I was just reading about applying for jobs and some of the questions asked of applicants. You can take a few days before answering.
Now, Riddle me this Batman:


18. Amazon.com
HQ: Seattle, Wash.

Industry: Music, Video, Book & Entertainment Retail

Interview Difficulty: 3.4

Sample Interview Question: Come up with a formula to calculate the angle between the hour hand and the minute hand in a clock.

 

[lbuttke]

I know that answer,

Simply useing quantamum mechanicks, and time vers distance veriatons, diveded by the solar flare intensity on a full moon lite night, add the square root of Fred Murrys income for the past year and multiply by the factor of 9 to the 10th power and you will have the measurement you are looking for at any given momunt in time.
Spelling errors are left in place to help displease those who desire perfect spelling on forum boards.

 

[dtanner]

Ok Its been awile !

SMART ASS

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their

soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't

ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.



One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is

going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're

selling."



Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up

to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in

a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"



One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."



Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well.

Only two left."



Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!

 

[dtanner]

I bet you can`t guess what this is all about till the end lol.

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscree

 

[dtanner]

Ok just one more. Just hope this does not happen on your Cub !

http://www.wimp.com/whenaccelerating/

 

[aschumacher]

Don, I actually saw that vacuum commercial on TV...like oh wow, weird.

 

[dtanner]

tehe
The wife and I were at home watching TV, and I had the remote.

I was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish"!!!

 

[kweaver]

Donald - Glad to hear that you've kept the wife happy all these years with plenty of fish in the freezer.

Sorry to hear that you've disappointed her all these years in the boudoir ... guess that's why she always suggested you go fishing and that there was always plenty of fresh milk in the fridge ...

Gotcha !

 

[dtanner]

KENtuckyKEN

There is no way she would let me watch the porn channel lol. But the fishing channel is acceptable . I found that joke on the Kawasaki Nomad forum.I now have three forums to check on everyday,Tractors ,diesel Ram ,and the Nomad forum.
I did work at my 125 today. got to finish that fine tractor. later Don T

 

[jchamberlin]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

That's how the fight started.....

* * *

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me but simply said, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Then the fight started...

* * *

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

Then the fight started . . .

* * *

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Then the fight started...

* * *

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

* * *

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

Then the fight started...

* * *

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Then the fight started...

* * *

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

Then the fight started......

* * *

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

Then the fight started...

* * *

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Then the fight started . . .

 

[dtanner]

Jeremiah Chamberlin

 

[kweaver]

True story (I was there)

Back in '99 when the 'ol lady was in the horsepital with her heart attack she had been in the bed so long she was getting uncomfortable. Her older sister and sister in-law and I were there and I noticed that she was starting to squirm on the bed.

I asked her what was wrong and she said , "Can you put my ass down ?"

So I said , "You have the fattest ugliest lopsided ass I've ever seen."


Then the fight started ...

Naw she cracked up and laughed a little to much.
-------------------------------

True story (I was there)

One day the 'ol lady was getting ready to bake something in the oven and asked me if I'd turn the oven on.
Being the romantic that I am and since I was standing next to the stove ...

I threw myself down on the top of the stove with my arms spread wide and as I was caressing the stove top I said , "You are the hottest little number I've had in my arms in a long time and your knobs stand out just the way I like them."


Then the fight started ...

Naw she cracked up and laughed.
-------------------------------

Not bad if ya ask me ... together since November 1978 and I've made her laugh twice !