Archive through July 20, 2008

[ewells]

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he cameupon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said thelittle boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take mybike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became aChristian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.

 

[klejeune]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow.'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive ****.

 

[dtanner]

>Subject: Fw: short and funny
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> I was having trouble with my computer. So I called

Richard,

>> the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and
>> asked him to come over.
>>
>>
>>
>> Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the

problem.

>>
>>
>>
>> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was
>> wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
>>
>>
>>
>> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
>> 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
>>
>>
>>
>> Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
>> error before?'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'No,' I replied.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
>> out.'
>>
>>
>>
>> So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like the

little

>> ****.............

 

[klejeune]

BEST PICK UP LINE EVER

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally
looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?' 'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.

 

[egmahler]

A cowboy goes into town to the saloon and sits down for a cool one. A young lady wnaders up and says, "You have on that hat and those boots --- you must be a cowboy."
"Well, I brand cows, ride the range all day, fix fences ---I do all those cowboy things so I must be a cowboy. And what do you do, ma'am?"

"When I get it, I think about women. All day long at work I think about women. At night I think about women. I dream about women. You see, I am a lesbian."

The boys at the ranch welcome him back with whoops and inquire about how he taought them city folks how a cowboy drinks and carries on.

He replies,"Well, I went to town thinking I was a cowboy --- but I am a lesbian."

 

[bbrigham]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Amarillo, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian from Cody, Wyoming, another is a Cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show & the third passenger is a Fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl....
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it’s a - comin."

 

[tchilders]

There was a older couple that was on up in their 70's and they had been married for years but had never had any children. So they decided that if they still could they were going to try. Well things weren't working out so they decided to go and see the fertility dr. So they went and got to the office and the doc. gave them a little jar with a lid on it and told them that he needed a "sample". So the doc left and was gone for quite a while and the woman of the couple came out of the exam room and found the doc. The doc said mam what seems to be the trouble?? Well doc she said, its like this, I have tried it with my left hand and I have tried it with my right hand. I have tried it with my teeth in and tried it with my teeth out, and I cannot get the lid off that little jar!!!

 

[ckrill]

PROOF THAT WIVES WOULD RATHER SACRIFICE THIER HUSBANDS THAN THEIR HAPPIENESS.

Ole hadn't been feeling well, and hated to go to a doctor. Lena finnally convinced him to get a phisical. After he had been checked out, the doctor pulled lena aside and said, "i'm afraid Ole has a very serious medical illness. In fact, it may be fatal. there are only two things that might save his life. First, you will have to fix him 3 home cooked meals for the rest of his life, and second, you must not upset him or argue with him at all." Lena pondered a bit and announced, "i'll break da news to Ole." So, she stepped across the room to where Ole was sitting, waiting for the diagnosis and said, "Ole, guess vhat, you're going to die.}

 

[lhinds]

This guy calls 911 and reports his wife has been atacked by A wart hog and she is seriously injured. She needs An ambulance. 911 says what is your address and he said 1821 ukelyptus drive. 911 said please spell that for me. The guy hesitates and said, I'll drag her on over to Oak street and you can pick her up there.

 

[ckrill]

ha ha ha

 

[lpalma]

Three constuction workers on a skyscraper ,A polish one,An Italian one,and an Irish one were starting to eat their lunches.

The Irish one say's,
"Saints alive" If My wife made me a corned beef sandwich again,I'm gonna jump off this building.I hate corned beef!

He opens his lunchbox and says"corned beef!aaaaaaahhhhh, and falls to his death

The Italian one say's,
Ifa my wife made me a meataball sandwich again, I'm gonna jumpa offa thisa building!

He opens his lunchbox and say's meatball sandwich!!! aaaaaaahhhhh, and falls to his death.

The Polish one say,s
If I see one more Kielbasy sandwich again, I'm gonna jump off this building! Like the rest of those guy's
Kielbasy! aaaaaaahhhhh, and fall to his death.

When the wives are called to the site the Irish one say's,"If I only knew he did'nt like corned beef.
The Italian one say's If a I knew he was tired of eating meataball sandwich, The Polish one say's
I don't understand ,He made his own lunch!

 

[bbrigham]

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary......




8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. .



Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...for now.

 

[fcurrier]

Jeanne brought home a book of 2500 jokes, copyrighted 1942. Clean jokes? How about TOO clean?

"Its true,"said the husband, pensively. "My wife ran away with my best friend."
"Too bad. Was he a handsome devil?"
"Can't say. I never met the man."

A dashing young romantic swore by all lover's vows that his Clarice was the fairest maid of all the world, and he would have none other.
"Be mine, Clarice," he pleaded. "If you refuse me, I shall die."
But she refused him, and fifty years later he did die.
2498 to go

 

[mgault]

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!


While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man..

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted..!!!

 

[proessler]

Mike G Excellent Joke,I 'll share it with my wife, she was in state politics for 20+ years... PWR

 

[vthomley]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

[ewells]

A lawyer and an old Truck Driver are sitting next to each other on a long flight.The lawyer is thinking that Truck Drivers are so dumb that he could get one over on him easy....So the lawyer asks the Trucker if he would like to play a fun game. The Trucker is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists,that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.' This catches the Trucker's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?' The Trucker doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Trucker's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the earphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.He wakes up the Trucker and hands him $500. The Trucker pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Trucker up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Trucker reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

[dtanner]

I will get in trouble for this!
A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

 

[aschumacher]

Wait till she spills her coffee and has a 'hot splash'!

 

[kmcconaughey]

Pun intended....

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much PI.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.