Archive through December 24, 2008

[rchristensen]

 

[fcurrier]

Merry Christmas, "Ricky".

 

[jclazar]

the sturdy pioneers who blazed a trail now have descendants who burn up the road!

 

[mgault]

One winter morning at breakfast, a couple in Iowa were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today so you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey."

 

[bbrigham]

DEAR DIARY:

AUG. 1 Moved to our new home in New York. It is so beautiful
here.
Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE


OCT. 14 Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth.
The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red
and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They
are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth.
This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.


NOV. 11 Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone
wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and
tranquillity.


Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.


DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything
blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned
snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight
today (I won).When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway
again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE
IT HERE.


DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his
trick again that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.


DEC. 19 Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the
driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Damn
Snowplow!


DEC.. 22 More of that white sh*t fell last night. I've got
blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around
the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. That *!&%!!!


DEC. 25 "White Christmas" my busted a*s. More snow. If I ever
get my hands on that son-of-a-(*%)! who drives that snowplow, I swear I
will castrate the dumb bast*rd. Don't know why they don't use more salt
on this freaking ice.


DEC. 28 More of the same sh*t last night. Been inside since
Christmas day except for when that as*hole comes by. Can't go any where.
The car is buried in a mountain of white sh*t. The weatherman says
expect another 10 inches of this cr*p tonight. Do you know how many
shovels full of snow 10 inches is?


JAN. 1 Happy freaking New Year!. The weatherman was wrong
(AGAIN).
We got 34 inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the
4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and sh*t for brains
had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told
him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the crap he plowed into my
driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over his friggin head.


JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to
get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I
hit the f*ckin' animal. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the
hunters would have killed them all last November.


MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you
believe the body is rotting away from all the salt they keep dumping all
over the roads. It really looks like a piece of sh*t.


MAY 10 Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in
their right mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of New
York !!

 

[lbuttke]

Brendan,

That one reminds me of what we say about Wisconsin.

Wisconsin, love it or leave it. If you don't like the weather, waite a few hours it will change, not always for the better.

 

[dsauve]

Lets not even talk about the body rotting of the frame from all the salt.

 

[lhinds]

How it Works when Bidding a Federal Job
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; One from Illinois one from Tennessee and a third from Kentucky They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'

 

[bbrigham]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will
teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll
get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad. He's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started
to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end
of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor
read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he
usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he
talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer... and then he went on to
become a Democrat Congressman

 

[stanner]

From the silliness dept...

http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/index.php

 

[blanasa]

B Brigham
I thought that NO POLITICS were allowed.
You could have limited it to just plain CONGRESSMAN!

 

[lbuttke]

Hooo Doggie! Hold On!



A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life!


She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.



A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in Daphne, Alabama !

The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor!

Can you imagine how many people try and stop this guy...?????

 

[blanasa]

Not much support here

 

[bbrigham]

An ATF officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there.'

The ATF officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the ATF officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety
.
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

 

[aschumacher]

 

[digger]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

 

[bbrigham]

Thats good Charlie...so true



John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road

hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong

he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John,

desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car

and closed the door. Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel

and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a

curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the

window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the

hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed

him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,

so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody

about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying

and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the

stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said

to the other...'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the

car while we were pushin' it.' !!

 

[fcurrier]

Two men were walking past a prison. One of the men pointed at one of the prisoners and said:
"Brothers and sisters I have none, but
that man's father is my father's son."
Who was the prisoner? (In relation the man speaking?)

and find the answer in my post in the main forum.

 

[klindstedt]

A man and women got married the weekend before Easter. In the hotel room on the night of the wedding, the man tells his beautiful bride that he is terribly sorry but they can't consummate the marriage that night. The bride, more than a little peeved, asks why not. "Well, it's Lent..." he says. She thinks about this for a little while and finally asks "Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

 

[dtanner]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'

The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learnt in class.'

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first
You must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'

One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'

The old man said: 'You thought....... But you are wrong.'

Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.'

The old man said: 'You thought........ But you are wrong.

So they asked him: 'Well, old timer, what do you have?'

The old man said: 'I thought it was GAS........... But I was wrong!