Archive through April 04, 2008

[jspence]

Subject: Letter to Dad

Father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the Pillow. It was addressed 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own Way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter.
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters 'PTO'.

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbours' house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[fcurrier]

That's good, Jim. You've been hanging around Don, haven't you?

 

[dtanner]

He he
> *George went to a psychiatrist.
> 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's
> somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
>
> 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
> 'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to
> get rid of those fears.'
>
> 'How much do you charge?' *
> *
>
> 'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.' *
> *
> 'I'll sleep on it,' said George.
>
> Six months later the doctor met George on the street. 'Why
> didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were
> having?' asked the psychiatrist.
>
> 'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
> awful lot of money! A Cape Bretoner cured me for $10 and a
> quart. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went
> and bought me a new pickup!'
>
> 'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a Cape Bretoner cure you?'
>
> 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under
> there now !!!'*

 

[aschumacher]

Wow, a great idea! I used to use 'Monster Spray' (Lysol) to get critters out from under my daughters bed years ago.

 

[mgault]

1) Good:

A Desoto, MO policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered
the problem.
A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a
hand-painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road
with a sign reading "TIPS" . . . and a bucket full of money.

(And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through
an automated radar post in St Peters, MO. A $40 speeding
ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Best:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the
Missouri State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping
open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell
me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.
He replied "Missouri State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he
realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.....

 

[mgault]

Some clever ideas here . . . . . .


Best 'Out of Office' Automatic e-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Frank.

 

[dtanner]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Charlie ~~~ our prayers have been answered!'

 

[klejeune]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.

So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Oh those . ." Satan groaned.

"They're all from Missouri. They're still too wet to burn."

 

[klejeune]

I hate to post 2 in a row, but this is too funny not to post.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather
bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

 

[bbrigham]

 

[rchristensen]

Brendan, Evidently you can't read the rules.

Please, NO POLITICS, RELIGION, SMUT OR OTHER POTENTIALLY DIVISIVE POSTINGS. These posts will be deleted.

Most of us read and follow the rules here.

 

[bbrigham]

I suppose I should have put my political disclaimer in there. I wasn't looking at it in a political manner, I personally don't look at these people who are running for office as democrat, republican or whatever. I don't care what gender, race, or political side they represent. Everyone of them have good and bad sides, were are in essence choosing the lesser of the evils. NO politician will ever do us any good, but thats just my opinion. Once again I wasn't looking at this as political, sorry to have offended you.

 

[dsauve]

Guys who cares, it's funny, the more talk radio I listen to from both sides the more I laugh. No mtter what side these folks are on it is so sad its funny. It is just to bad for her that more of her life has been in a bigger spot light than most.

 

[bbrigham]

Dean, I <u>thought</u> it was, and I live in NY.....we have to deal with her !!!
Maybe this is better ;

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their Dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an @$$hole

 

[digger]

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

 

[bbrigham]

I like that Charlie

so true

 

[ddulac]

I was in a bar in Portland when a guy dressed as a pirate comes in. It was a pretty good pirate costume except for he had a huge ship’s steering wheel attached to his crotch. He walks up next to me at the bar and orders a beer. I said, “That is a pretty convincing pirate costume, but what is with the steering wheel? You can’t even sit down and it looks generally unnecessary and uncomfortable.”



He replies, “Arrgh! It drives me nuts.”

 

[dsauve]

Digger, very fine point.

 

[dtanner]

> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
> >
> > Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he
> > said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're
> > cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
> > need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE
> > BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be
> > CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
> > them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
> > forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
> > Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
> >
> > The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?
> > You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
> >
> > The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it
> > feels like when I'm driving.'

 

[dhodgson]

ultimate put down!! your practicing solo eroticism and your hand goes to sleep