CLEAN Jokes

[aschumacher]

Dave, look out ! I'm sure one of Cub ladies will find a way to get even for that joke. <font size="-2">But it was kinda funny.</font>

 

[memorgan]

Dave, you have made me laugh more in the past two weeks since I don;t know when, keep it up!!!

 

[memorgan]

Hot coffee--
I was eating breakfast with my 10 year old grand daughter and I asked her what day tomorrow was?
"Why its presidents day", she replied.
"and what happens on presidents day", I asked expecting to hear something about Lincoln or Washington,
to which my smart little grand daughter looked up and smiled and replied,
"Presidents day is the day when the President walks out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, you know it's 4 more years of bull**it
It really hurts when you spew coffee out of your nose!!!!

 

[dtanner]

Nick; I think that is funny even up here lol

 

[dschwandt]

Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

________________________________________

 

[aschumacher]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight.”

 

[aschumacher]

Subj: FW: The Arrogance of Authority (UNCLASSIFIED)


Hey everybody: This story just proves that some people have to learn the hard way.
>
> This made me laugh out loud !
>
> A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old
> rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally
> grown drugs."
> >
> > The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"
> > as he pointed out the location.
>
> > The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority
> > of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket,
> > the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the
> > rancher.
>
> "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On
> any land!! No
> > questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?
> >
> > DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"
> >
> > The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
>
> > A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and
> > saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big
> > Santa Gertrudis bull......
> >
> > With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it
> > seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The
> > officer was clearly terrified.
>
> > The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top
> > of his lungs..... (I just love this part....)
>
>
> >
> > "Your badge! Show him your badge....!!"
>
>
> Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
> Caveats: NONE
>
>

=

 

[dschwandt]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

Answer is further down.








With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

 

[rtunison]

THE DOT... at last an answer

>>> > The Dot,FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP. > > > > > >
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a Convenience Store, a Gas Station, a Donut Shop, a Taxi Cab,
or a Motel in the United States .
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice & support

 

[hydroharry]

Richard - that one should have probably gone over in the Garage.

 

[rtunison]

The political way to do business….



Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.



One is from Chicago , another is from Alabama , and the third is from New Jersey .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Jersey contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400
for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Alabama contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says,

"I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."


The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we
hire the guy from Alabama to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.



And that, my friends, is how the stimulus plan works!

 

[kmcconaughey]

Wayne wanted me to post this for him from an email that was traveling around:

<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

Why we shoot deer in the wild:
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea ...that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer<!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>

 

[kshultz]

Happy Easter!

 

[memorgan]

Your a bad boy Shultzie!!

 

[hydroharry]

Mick, I 2nd that!!!

Shultzie - you're a bad boy!

 

[aschumacher]

Wait till Easter Sunday....every thing will be all right again!

With the eggs broken, how come no innards lieing around ??

 

[aschumacher]

Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it or did you?

 

[lhinds]

Allen i think you have it covered pretty well.

 

[jchamberlin]

Allen, My wife and I had a hoot reading your e-mail.

 

[stanner]

23 ADULT TRUTHS ******
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my wrist watch 3 consecutive times and still do not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet that, on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Budweiser than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty, but Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Ice Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it took only 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.