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Archive through January 03, 2010

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aschumacher

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Allen Schumacher
This goes along with Don t's joke

It turns out that fixing Tigers' game
and fixing his marrage both require the same thing:
Better control over his putts and better control over his putz.
 
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a ****?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...
 
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 
Slightly late Christmas joke...

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped after three Ho's.
 
Just got scammed outta $25!

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My favorite 18 holes".

Turns out it's about golf. Damn Waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
 
We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the
work.

You and me.


And there you are, Sitting at your computer, reading jokes..

Nice. Real nice.
 
ok ok this is old stuff lol.



This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1979: Long hair
2009: Longing for hair


1979: KEG
2009: EKG



1979 : Acid rock
2009: Acid reflux






1979: Moving to California because it's cool
2009: Moving to Arizona because it's warm






1979: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2009: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor



1979: Seeds and stems
2009: Ruffage




1979: Hoping for a BMW
2009: Hoping for a BM





1979: Going to a new, hip joint
2009: Receiving a new hip joint





1979: Rolling Stones
2009: Kidney Stones





1979: Screw the system
2009: Upgrade the system






1979: Disco
2009: Costco





1979: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2009: Children begging you to get their heads shaved





1979: Passing the drivers' test
2009: Passing the vision test





1979: Whatever
2009: Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1990.



They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.



Their lifetime has always included AIDS.



Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.



The CD was introduced the year before they were born.



They have always had an answering machine.




They have always had cable.




They cannot fathom not having a remote control.



Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading..



So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!
 
Yeah, Don, I've seen it before, but it becomes more true every day. Dang it! Thanks.
 
The economy is so bad that ...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
I'm older than dirt
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were
growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together
at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I
was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I
figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf
course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably
50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at
midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came
back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced
news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone was on a party line.
Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you
didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my
brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 6AM
every morning.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies.
There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for
everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything
offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't
blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he
brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper
with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my
daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or
something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board
to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am
old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about
Ratings at the bottom.

1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and
were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3
channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10.Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!
 
Guess I'm older than dirt ! Don, you didn't have TV till your were 19!?? Oh ya, your way up north and everything is 20 yrs behind. (look at what kind of tractors you play with)!
old.gif
 
Don I was with you on everything but the newsreals. Local theater burned to the ground when I was real young, next closest one was almost 15 miles away, heck, thats 30 miles round trip.
We lived one winter in a house that didn't have indoor plumbing, and seven years in a house with a coal fired furnace. If you ever have to make that choice, go with indoor plumbing and coal heat. you won't regret it.
 
Don,
My mom still has the ice cube trays, the old camera that needed those bulbs and my cork gun in the attic. Those bulbs were hot if you tried taking them out to soon. Then we got the new camera with the flash cubes so we could take 4 pictures before having to change bulbs. She also has a wind-up record player and about 100 of the 45 and 78rpm records. She also has the old washing machine in the basement with the wringer on top. We finally bought her a used washing machine after my dad passed away so she wouldn't have to scoop the water out after doing laundry. I also reemember picking up the phone to see if there was a dial tone before dialing. And it sure was cool to pretend to smoke those candy cigarettes. And to think that I am only 52. I guess growing up in a small country town let me experience the old ways of doing things.
 
Wringer washer, that you had to heat the water with a dough-nut-heater, wood burning cook stove, wood burning barrle stove in the basement, running water ment running out to the pump and pumping the handle ten times just to prime the pump, the out house was out behind the shed, getting up at 5am to milk the cows by hand, strain milk into 10 gallon milk cans,party line phone line seemed bussy every time you needed to use it, shock oats, threshing maching, shocking corn, hand crank corn sheller, putting hay in the mow with a pitch fork.
Just to name a few of the things from my life growing up on the farm, and we moved from town to the farm back in 72.
I now own the last remainding 33.9 acres of the 120 acre farm I grew up on.
 
I think I'll add silver coins to that list. How about 1 room schoolhouses with 1 teacher for 8 grades? FM radio stations, unlike AM, would still "come in" when you went under an overpass. A 3-speed bike was an "English" bike. A Sears & Roebuck catalog was 4-5" thick, free, and came every year. 4-wheel drive wasn't for the main roads (and the main roads were just a step above the woods roads).
coffee.gif
 
How 'bout gas at 32 cents a gallon. When I tell the kids that one, they just say "dang your old".

Bruce
 
I sold gas for 28.9 retail and 23.9 wholesale.
Yes i do remember all those things.The people that think those were the good old days had it a lot better than I did. I remember battery radios and when we got electricity to our house.
 
And what about the belts and "flyswatters" that today would bring on child services and the law.
Mom and Dad didn't have time for misbehaving and both knew how to get the message across.
 

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