Archive through August 16, 2013

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RIGHT NOW!!!

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment! "My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! "Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

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Nun road rage

Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.



"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.



The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".



So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks "Was that cross enough"?

 

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And........
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, do ye hae ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says, 'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'

 

[jbaker]

Lost in Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about
that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going'.
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?
'The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra.

What does your wife look like?' The old
guy says,

'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

 

[kide]

Why don't lawyers use Viagra?

It just makes them taller.

 

[kide]

Ole was hunting
geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 10 gauge
against the
corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his
foolish
dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce
of #4
shot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital
bed, he came to...and there
was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got
some good news and some bad news.Da good news is dat you
are going to be
OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little
internal
damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad
news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive
buckshot damage done to
your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my
sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your
sister a plastic
surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a
flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony
Orchestra. She's going to teach
you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't
piss in your
eye."

 

[fcurrier]

You guys!

 

[bmcmeen]

Gerry -

That's why they tie their neckties so tight. So their foreskins don't cover their heads...

 

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LOL

 

[aschumacher]

Brian, I think we need you here/somewhere with your R.R. Safety talk!