Archive through August 16, 2012

[aschumacher]

For my golf friends:

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Top 10 Caddy Responses - my golfing buds can appreciate this.

Ten Best Caddy Responses

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . . . .

An old favorite . .. . . .
About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . . .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"
Caddy: "There's a piece of crap on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .
Caddy: "No sir, its at the other end."

 

[fcurrier]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than eight minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

 

[memorgan]

That's funny, I don't care who you are!!

 

[aschumacher]

Ohhhhhhhhhh! <font size="-2">Could that really be true?)</font>

 

[jchamberlin]

I think the Keeper of the Holy Hy-tran was getting a little frustrated back in the winter of '04:

Begin Quote:
By Bryan D. McMeen, Keeper of the Holy Hy-Tran (Bmcmeen) on Wednesday, February 11, 2004 - 07:17 pm:
Perhaps I should add this to the FAQ?

A lesson in posting:

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

 

[jbaker]

The last one is the best... but I bet we could add

3 to tell you the sponsers carry the light bulb OEM

 

[aschumacher]

One sponser to tell you he has new LED lamps you'll never have to change again !

 

[bmcmeen]

Ya think? LOL

Going back a long, long time, I've always loved these kind of takes on the lightbulb (light bulb?) joke. I know there's at least one forum member that remembers Digital Equipment Corporation, from which the following was created. Actually, I think just about every engineer can adapt this one to their own industry:
<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

HOW MANY DEC EMPLOYEES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture:
2úPeople - Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility).
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC Standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person -Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission
1 Person - Interface with users (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) compatibility architecture/study.
3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2 compatibility architecture/study.
2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear, frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group.
1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People - Answer customer BPRs.<!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>

 

[aschumacher]

OK, here is another kind of golf joke.


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the room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said,
"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

 

[akleyla]

Deciphering Mens speech : ·
1. "I can't find it"MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?"MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing."MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."MEANS: What did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present."MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. "I missed you."MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions."MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

 

[akleyla]

The Farmers New Bride:

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

 

[pbell]

The pastor of the Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than
four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.

 

[aschumacher]

Amy, seems Mr. Bursell has been having a good natured time with you about being blonde. It seems you suprised him with the correct answers recently. So from a older veteran to a more recent veteran...here is where you can get even !

Maybe a few years late but, WELCOME HOME

- enjoy









Blonde MEN Jokes
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

 

[akleyla]

LOL Allen,those were funny ...I dont think ive heard blonde jokes for men..im really liking those

 

[hydroharry]

Allen - hmmmmm, I don't think Amy has provided all the correct answers yet. At this point I still rate them partially correct, with a blonde tint. As for the blonde men jokes, well, fortunately ther're just aren't many blonde men.

 

[kide]

Obviously, Harry's never been to Europe... I'm sure the Nords and Germans would be surprised to learn there arn't many Blonde men....

 

[dtanner]

This proves that there is some people that have no clue !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8

Charlie is she from over your way lol

 

[aschumacher]

I've seen that video a few times and its a real laugh. On one location I read the comments and one was from a youngster who said...if you want to go deer hunting, why don't you take a 'deer crossing' sign with you! DUH...someone take a sign into the woods and see if they really come towards the crossing sign.!

 

[akleyla]

Donald,OMG thats very funny !

 

[jbaker]

that made me tear up from laughter

lets move deer signs