Archive through June 06, 2010

[aschumacher]

Don T. I answered all the spelling questions, but I'm not going to say how many I got right or wrong.

 

[dtanner]

lol




One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out..
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

You guys just never learn,
do not tick off the little woman..

 

[aschumacher]

Don and others, remember...
The husband rules the roost...
But the wife rules the rooster...

 

[rduering]

THE FARMER'S POND

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,......'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[chunt]

> Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
> chicken."
>
> She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in
> the class laughed.
>
> My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken
> is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
> was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do,
> too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
>
> Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
> happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
>
> The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
> I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other
> children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried
> chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and
> told me not to do it again.
>
> I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
> doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
> famous person we admire most.
>
> I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
>
> Guess where I am now...
>

 

[stanner]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and
left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!

 

[dtanner]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you .
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit

 

[dtanner]

Jenny Craig for Men
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous,athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a signaround her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls
the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most
rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[dtanner]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

[fcurrier]

Don, I can't truthfully say that there's nuttin I like about you. I hope your obituary says "he didn't have much, but he had his sense of humor"

 

[mhomrighausen]

Not any joke ... just a little trip down memory lane... HI YO SILVER.

Still searching for the commercial with Jay Silverheels and the IH Scout.

 

[mhomrighausen]

I never knew that Tonto did a Chevy Blazer commercial ... Tonto

 

[mhomrighausen]

Just to show that even dogs like tractors. Click Here

 

[kide]

Dog needs to learn how to engage the PTO......

 

[jbaker]

Turpentine vs. Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine..

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world;

it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.

If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's butt, he'll pass a Harley Davidson

 

[dtanner]

Magic Sandals



[]A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the

man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,

being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

[fcurrier]

April Fool!

 

[dtanner]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving

test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,

Study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,

And they agreed on it.


After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and

I've Observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed

You haven't had your hair cut.'



The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed

in my studies of The Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long

Hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

Your going to love the Dad's reply:


---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

 

[lpalma]

How do you put out a burning Kotex?
You tampon it!

 

[aschumacher]

How do waring snails settle their differences ??
?
?
?
<font size="-2">They SLUG it out!</font>