Archive through January 14, 2011

[jbaker]

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day
when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

 

[lhinds]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I
saw
one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really
want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone
this is?"

 

[ewells]

Subject: The Golden Drivers

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a cop sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 125."

 

[lhinds]

>
> EXERCISE
> FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
>
>
>
> Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
> plenty of room at each side.
>
>
> With
> a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your
> sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
> minute, and then relax.
>
>
> Each
> day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
> After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
> Then
> try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can
> lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for
> more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
> MESSAGE FROM Jeff: I'M AT THIS LEVEL TOO. SO FAR SO
> GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>
> After you feel confident at that level,------ put a potato in each bag.

 

[dtanner]

Son Embarrassed by Dad's Job.



David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and
takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with
some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to
ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

 

[wkashner]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[stanner]

oops

 

[stanner]

Maybe charlie can fab up some of these attachments...

 

[aschumacher]

" FATHER OF THE YEAR "

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
Over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints. "





DAMN, I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!

 

[dtanner]

Bored ! I bet you will laugh

It could have been you!

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2010/paul-zerdin-ventriloquist-without-dummy-p1.php

 

[glippert]

Don T - You won that bet - I laughed a lot.

 

[aschumacher]

Don, thanks for some clean fun.

 

[stanner]

I suppose Charlie could cross out Canada and insrt "Minnesota" as needed...

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada . It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians??"
"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.

 

[fcurrier]

Subject: BIKER HUMOR A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge
so he stops.


"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive,

he didn't want to miss an opportunity

and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"



So, she does.



After she's finished the biker says, "Wow!

That was the best kiss I have ever had!

That's a real talent you are wasting!

You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"



"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

[dtanner]

Frank c

I saw this and well this is for you lol.

 

[dtanner]

Three men - a Canadian farmer,

Osama bin Laden

and a Biker

are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley,

cracks a beer,

lights a cigar,

smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

 

[stanner]

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota .

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[wkashner]

One day Tommy was heading home from work and he suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday. He drove over to the Toy Shop and saw some dolls in the window.

"How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asked the salesperson, in a sing-song voice.

The salesperson answered, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Workout Barbie for $9.95, Shopping Barbie for $9.95, Beach Barbie for $9.95, Disco Barbie for $9.95, Ballerina Barbie for $9.95, Skater Barbie for $9.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

Astonished, Tommy asked: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $9.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolled her eyes, sighed, and answered: "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with all the extras: Ken's bikes, Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and even one of Ken's friends!"

 

[aschumacher]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
His body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
Obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "Me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[ Now don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.]

 

[rodsmith]

IN A CHILDS EYES!
This isn't a joke per say, but still gave me a laugh.On the way home tonight my 6yr old son was looking at the bottom of his snowboots. He asked me what the name of the town at the bottom of the earth was named. I said I really didn't think there was one. He says, well if there is,do they where suction shoes? I asked why, and he says, what would hold them down.LOL